Emotions are like fireworks to me right now. Flaring right, left - bursting above my head like I've never seen them before. Feelings pour out of me like I've never felt before. I seem to be an endless waterfall of new experiences, new painful experiences ... changes I should say. Yes, I am going through a change.
I said before that I would discuss trust in an entry - no use of it now. To be it is no more existant than it was when I intended on writing about it - when the relationship was hanging on by a thread. Even so, it was still hanging on by something.
I feel like I need to explain this - so I will ... briefly since I am so tired.
Why does trust not exist. It doesn't exist because it's something made up. It's a safety net ... that can be turned into a deadly and awfully sticky spider's web. How so? Like this ...
We use trust as the basis of a relationship, whether it's romantic or platonic. Either way - if this trust is broken, we like to think that the relationship should be broken off as well. Trust is important ... but really an unreachable morale. It's a safety net in that if we assume that trust has not been broken, then we're okay.
How is it a deadly web? Because there's no such thing as trust. People will always lie, always be doubtful and never be completely happy or satisfied. When it comes to another person, you will never be able to read their minds and sometimes never know that they broke this so called "trust" safety net a long time ago, you just don't know it. So you still believe in "trust". Those of us who have had our safety net taken away, we like to believe that we can only trust ourselves!!! YES! The ONE person you can trust ... is yourself. ... BULL SHIT
Why is this bullshit? Because you can't trust yourself. You can't always and completely be honest with yourself, half of the time you're unsure of what to think, your mind always changes and you always change the rules - at least with yourself. You like to yourself and cheat yourself daily whether you know it or not. It's that little voice in your mind that you avoided so often. The sad thing is you don't even realize that you really can't even trust yourself when it comes down to it.
Trust is an imaginary morale that people wish existed. It's a way to believe in one another and believe that everything is alright. I believe that it's easier to "think" that you can trust someone else than it is to trust yourself. You know when you let yourself down, but you don't know of mr. perfect is cheating behind your back or your best friend is talking shit. However, as long as you don't know, you still believe that you can trust them ... right? Exactly.
It's all one big lie. Don't trust anybody, not even yourself. Forget about the word - it leads to trouble and ruined relationships. Come up with something different. I don't know, my mind is drawing a blank and I need rest. Maybe I can clarify another time ... but I just wanted to start talking about it.
I just really don't believe in this whole trust thing. How can you believe in something that seems to exist for mere seconds and it gets broken whether you are aware of it or not. Maybe that's the key right there, as long as your completely oblivious, trust exists because you believe it does. It's like a mirage, a little heat, a little braindead individual and you have yourself an image of something that's not real. If trust were a rock and you picked it up, underneath it would be a whole shitload of lies, hiding right under your very nose.
Sometimes it's nice not to know everything, but to think you do.
Time for bed.
-x- "once you put the words down on paper, they start to make sense" -x- | 